FFIX: Eiko's Kitchen
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! In the kingdom of Alexandria lies a weekly cooking program filmed in the kitchen of Alexandria Castle. Eiko, the little summoner girl you all love or hate hosts her first show! Will things go as planned? Rated T for language and gross humor.
1. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 1

**Eiko's Kitchen**

**By**: Master Jin Sonata

**Genre**: Humor

**Written**: August 2007

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**Disclaimer**: I do not own Square-Enix, or its Syndicated Cooking Program.

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**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 1**

The camera pans toward a large counter in the middle of a lavish medieval kitchen. Eiko walks on screen, wearing an oversized chef's hat and apron, and hoists herself onto a stool behind the counter.

**"Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew! First you need a large crock pot!"**

Eiko ducks behind the counter and begins going through the pots and pans under the cabinet, tossing them all around the set as she searched for her favorite cast-iron pot.

"**Dammit! Where did I put it?"** Eiko whines, as she cannot seem to find her pot. She the looks back at the camera.

"**Um…I'll be right back, folks!"** Eiko smiles cheesily to the audience, before running off the set.

**3 Minutes Later...**

Eiko returns to the set dragging a very large and very heavy looking pot. She struggles as she tries to lift it onto the stove, but eventually gets it up there.

"**Ahem, sorry about the slight delay. I had to borrow some iron material and had it reinforced into a pot. Anyways, let's begin by getting the necessary ingredients to make our st—"** Eiko said, before being interrupted.

Suddenly, Steiner storms onto the set completely naked and stops in front of Eiko. The camera, of course, is censoring Steiner indecency.

"**Hey! Give me back my armor you little brat!"** Steiner demands, jumping up and down in a huff.

"**Ew, gross!!! Put some clothes on you dirty old man!!!"** Eiko yells out, disgusted at what she was seeing.

"**Well I would if you didn't make off with my armor while I was in the shower!!!"** Steiner shot back.

Eiko sighed heavily.

"**Stop the camera…" **Eiko grumbles as the camera turns off with a 'We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties' screen.

**End of Chapter 1**

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	2. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 2

**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 2**

After the first mishap, it was now time to start the show over again. This time, Eiko had a special guest with her.

**"Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew! To help me prepare this dish, this oversized marshmallow here will be assisting me!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. Her assistant she was referring to, of course, was Quina. The Qu chef leans over towards Eiko.

"_**Do I get to eat food as you cook?"**_ Quina whispers to Eiko, licking its lips.

"_**No! So don't you think about nibbling on anything as I cook, okay?"**_ Eiko whispers back.

Eiko looks back at the camera. **"Okay, first, let's bring out the ingredients. First we need carrots, broccoli, steak, and potatoes!"**

As Quina began handing over the said ingredients to Eiko like she asked, Quina began munching on the food anyways behind Eiko's back. Eventually Eiko noticed from all the crunching noises behind her, and she became very agitated.

"**Will you cut that out? I told you not to eat anything!!!"** Eiko grumbled to Quina, as half of the stew's ingredients were now eaten.

"**But I hungry!!!"** Quina whined.

"**Oh that's it!!!"** Eiko growled angrily. She hops onto the counter and grabs Quina by her apron. **"Listen you fat marshmallow, I used my whole allowance to buy this food! Now if you don't quit eating my stuff, I'm going to twist that icky tongue of yours into a bow-tie and wrap it around your chubby…"** Eiko began threatening Quina.

"**Uh…Miss Carol? We're still on air…"** the cameraman whispers to Eiko.

Eiko was now turned toward the camera, still holding Quina, with an embarrassing 'aw hell…' look on her face.

"**Stop the camera, again…"** Eiko sighs with frustration. Now she would have to do a third-take of this cooking show.

**End of Chapter 2**

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	3. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 3

**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 3**

After the second mishap, Eiko made sure this time that nothing would go wrong in the taping of her show. She fired Quina and decided to go solo like she originally planed.

**"Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew!!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. **"I have right here all of the ingredients you'll need to make this tasty dish, and the pot to cook it in. I will now start chopping up the veggies like so!"**

Eiko whipped out a couple daggers' she borrowed from Zidane just before this taping, and began slicing up the vegetables. Not too long afterwards, Zidane dashes onto the set and stops right next to Eiko.

**"Eiko! We need to talk!!!"** Zidane says to Eiko, breathing heavily as if he were out of breath.

Thinking quickly after the sudden interruption, Eiko uses Zidane to her advantage.

**"What a surprise, folks! My boyfriend Zidane has come to help cook with me today!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. She then leans toward Zidane with a rather annoyed look on her face. _**"What the heck are you doing here?!?"**_

**"_I need my daggers back! Princess Garnet is in trouble, and I need my trusty weapons, pronto!"_** Zidane impatiently whispered back.

"_**Well too bad! I'm in the middle of hosting a show right now! So go away!"** Eiko whispered back._

"_**Fine! I'll just take them by force! Yoink!" **_Zidane says as he snags the knives from Eiko and makes a break for it off the set.

Eiko, now beet-red from frustration, quickly turns toward the camera and gives the audience an innocent smile.

"**Well folks, while my stew is cooking I'll just play a happy little tune for everyone while we wait!"** Eiko said, puling out her summoner's flute.

As Eiko began playing, the whole kitchen got dark, and a large moon appeared in the backdrop. Soon after, the giant wolf Fenrir appears, and jumps towards the fleeing Zidane, pouncing him in seconds. Fenrir then proceeds to maul the crap out of the thief, from slamming him back and forth all over the set, to grinding his face across the cobblestone floor like a cheese grater.

"_**Should I…stop the camera, Miss Eiko?"**_ the cameraman whispers to her.

"_**Nah, keep it rolling. We'll jut edit out this massacre before its broadcasted to the people,"**_ Eiko said with an evil smile.

**End of Chapter 3**

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	4. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 4

**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 4**

Three times already Eiko had to redo the premier of her cooking show. As if things couldn't get any worse…

**"Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew!!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. **"I have right here all of the ingredients you'll need to make this tasty dish, and the pot to cook it in! Let's get started shall we?"**

Eiko chops up the meat and vegetables and places them into the pot and places the lid on it.

**"Now, you will want to let your stew cook on HIGH for 30 minutes,"** Eiko continued as she reached down and turned the knob of her automatic wood stove.

**CLICK**

No fire.

**"What the?!"** Eiko said, as she turned the knob a few more times.

**CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK...**

Still no fire.

**"Piece of industrial garbage equipment!"** Eiko growled with frustration as she began turning the knob really fast now...

**CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK…**

**SNAP!**

…ultimately breaking it off, the knob now in her hand.

Eiko as on the verge of screaming after this had happened. But keeping her cool, she turns toward the camera and smiles.

**"We are experiencing some minor problems with our equipment. I'll be right back with some assistance, so don't go away!"** Eiko said, before running off the set.

**5 minutes Later…**

Eiko finally returns to the set dragging Vivi along with her. She takes to her spot behind the counter once more and positions Vivi right in front of the stove.

**"And we're back! With me is our handyman: Vivi!"** Eiko says with a cheesy smile toward the camera before turning to Vivi.

**"_Okay Vivi, light the stove for me!"_** she whispers to the black mage.

**"_Uh…okay,"_** Vivi says as he prepares a fire spell.** "FIRE!"**

Vivi casts a tiny flame that just barely heated the wood inside the stove.

**"_What was that? My stew will never cook at that temperature! Give me more fire!"_** Eiko tells Vivi again.

**"_Um…right, sorry,"_** Vivi says as he casts another spell. **"FIRA!"**

The spell lights the wood, creating a moderate sized flame.

**"_That's still not enough! I'm cooking a thick and meaty stew here, not pancakes! Now give me REAL firepower!"_** Eiko insists, grinning angrily.

**"_Okay okay!"_** Vivi says, gulping. **"FLARE!"**

**WHOOOOOOSH!**

The entire set was set ablaze due to Vivi's overpowered spell. Once the coking crew had extinguished the flames, both Vivi and Eiko were charred to crisp, Vivi to the point where the only thing visible on his entire body was his yellow eyes.

Eiko coughed as she faced the camera.

**"CUT!"** she yells angrily before leaving the set to clean herself up.

**End of Chapter 4**

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	5. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 5

**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 5**

Five times is the charm…right? Or was it three? Anyways, Eiko, again, restarted her show for the fifth time.

**"Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew!!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. **"I have right here all of the…"** she continued, before the camera began turning away from her.

**"H-hey Mr. cameraman! What's the big idea?!"** Eiko said, as she hopped off of her stool and approached the guy working the video camera.

When she got a better look at him, she saw that it was not her regular cameraman…

…It was Kuja.

**"Just what are you doing? Where's the other guy?"** Eiko demanded.

**"Oh, my apologies. This cameraman you speak of had to leave for a moment, so I'm his replacement,"** Kuja responded as he looked into the camera.

**"Okay…and why isn't the camera facing me at the moment?"** Eiko questioned.

**"Just admiring myself on camera. I don't get this opportunity often, you know,"** Kuja responded, stroking his hair as he poses for the camera.

Eiko jumped up and grabbed the camera, swinging it back around toward her set.

**"Now keep it facing me or I'll smack you good!"** Eiko said as she returned to her kitchen counter and resumed her show.

**"Now, where was I…oh yes…we add the meat and vegetables into the pot and cook it for…"** Eiko continued.

As Eiko continued with her show, Kuja slowly turned the camera back toward him where he could admire himself once again.

This didn't last long as he heard a stomping noise nearby.

Kuja swung the camera back around just in time to witness through the camera Eiko approaching him with a frying pan and smacking the crap out of him for not keeping the camera focused on her.

**"CUT! I'll be in my trailer..."** Eiko says as she leaves the now clubbed Kuja and camera to be taken care of by someone else while she vents her frustration elsewhere.

**End of Chapter 5**

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	6. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 6

**Eiko's Kitchen: Take 6**

After so many blunders, is there hope for the little chef?

"**Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew!!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. **"I have right here all of the ingredients you'll need to make this tasty dish, and the pot to cook it in! Let's get started shall we?"**

Eiko, once again, chops up the meat and vegetables and places them into the pot and then places the lid on it.

"**Now, you will want to let your stew cook on HIGH for 30 minutes,"** Eiko continued as she reached down and turned the knob of her automatic wood stove, which was now working the way she wanted it too.

The fire came on, and began cooking the stew as she hoped.

"**Alrighty! Now that that's done, we wait until it comes to a boil, then we add a pinch of my special seasoning to give it a nice kick!"** Eiko continued.

When the stew came to a boil, Eiko hopped onto the counter and prepared to lift open the lid,

"**Ah, yummy! Mmmm…smells…kinda…weird?!?"** Eiko said, as she smelled something amiss within her soup.

Eiko pops open the lid of her stew and peeks inside.

"**EEEEEP!!!!"** Eiko shrieks as she saw her friend Mog floating face down and motionless in her stew.

Eiko immediately faints upon seeing this, falling off of the counter and hitting the floor with a thud.

Seconds later, Mog climbs out of the pot shakes itself off and looks at Eiko curiously.

"**What's with her? You mean this wasn't a hot tub I was in?"** Mog said, pulling out a carrot from its ear.

**End of Chapter 6**

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	7. Eiko's Kitchen: Take 7

**Eiko's Kitchen Final: Take 7**

Eiko was getting extremely frustrated at this point. There was time for one final filming of the show before it was time to leave.

This was her last chance to get it right.

Eiko was behind stage talking with castle security and the princess of Alexandria.

"**Okay, listen carefully you two, this is the final time I'm going to try and get my show off of the ground. From this point on I want no more interruptions, that means no intruders, no second-hand helpers, and no more faulty equipment!!! Is that clear?!"** Eiko growls angrily at Beatrix and Dagger.

"**You can count on me, ma'am,"** Beatrix said, unsheathing her sword before leaving to go patrol the area outside of the set.

"**As your manager, I made sure this time that things will go as planned,"** Dagger reassured Eiko. **"Now go, you're on in a minute!"**

"**Okay fine,"** Eiko said, sighing, heading back toward the set to give it one final go.

"**Hello everyone! Welcome to Eiko's kitchen! I'm your host and chef: Eiko Carol! Today we are going to show you how to make some easy Beef Stew!!"** Eiko says, smiling at the camera. **"I have right here all of the ingredients you'll need to make this tasty dish, and the pot to cook it in! Let's get started shall we?"**

Eiko, yet again, chops up the meat and vegetables and places them into the pot and then places the lid on it.

"**Now, you will want to let your stew cook on HIGH for 30 minutes,"** Eiko continued as she reached down and turned the knob of her automatic wood stove, which was now working perfectly.

The fire came on, and began cooking the stew as planned.

"**Alrighty! Now that that's done, we wait until it comes to a boil, then we add a pinch of my special seasoning to give it a nice kick!"** Eiko continued.

When the stew came to a boil, Eiko hopped onto the counter and lifted the lid.

"**Ah, yummy! Mmmm…smells great!!!** Eiko said as she sprinkles some of her special seasoning into the stew.

"**Now, at this point, you turn down the heat and let it simmer for another half hour,"** Eiko continued.

After some time had elapsed, the stew was finally complete. Eiko grabs a bowl and pours the stew into it to show it to the camera and the audience.

"**Doesn't that look tasty folks? This stew goes great with salad and bread too!"** she said with a wink and a smile.

Eiko hops off of the counter and approaches the audience.

"**Before we go, I'm going to allow one lucky member from the audience come up and taste my delicious stew! Will the person in seat #53 pleasure come forward?"** Eiko said to the audience.

The man sitting in seat #53 happened to be Amarant. Amarant walked down at a casual speed and approached the counter where Eiko cooks. Eiko hops on top of the counter pushes the bowl of stew toward him.

"**Go ahead and give it a taste!"** Eiko said with much anticipation.

Amarant took a spoon and ate a spoonful of the stew. His facial expression didn't change at all.

"**Well?"** Eiko asked eagerly. **"How does it taste?"**

"**Tastes like shit,"** Amarant simply said.

Eiko had a blank look of shock after hearing this. **"Um…could you…repeat that?"** she sputtered.

"**I said it tastes awful,"** Amarant said, tossing the bowl of soup over his shoulder, almost hitting the cameraman.

Eiko's eye twitched at was she was hearing. She slowly turned toward Amarant with a rather scary look on her face.

**Minutes Later…**

"**WAAAAHHH!!!"** Amarant yelled as he ran down the cobblestone streets of Alexandria, trying to flee from Eiko, who was wildly wielding a really sharp looking butcher knife in her hands.

"**GET BACK HERE!!!"** Eiko screamed as she chased Amarant into the sunset.

Eiko's cooking show was put on permanent hiatus afterwards.

**End of Chapter 7 **

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**The End!!!**

**How was it? I hope you enjoyed the story! Please review!!!**


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